Why Won’t You Get Out of My Head?

I love computers. Always have since my dad’s laptop in his office, somehow learning how to use the internet through Google. That was probably not the earliest time I used a computer but I remember that laptop and the way Google used to be. I do not remember being taught how to use it. I just know I did at a very young age. I remember opening Power Point and creating slides on that Windows XP computer in our study just as an excuse to use the computer. In those days, computers were actually not all that exciting without internet (yes, this is not new) but I still kept going back to it. Fast forward to recent times and I’m studying Computer Science which came as a surprise to absolutely no one ever.

Anyway, that’s not the point. In all their complexities, computers are actually quite simple. Sometimes I wish my mind could work like a computer, in the sense of switching off and deleting. It’s so easy to delete. No more than a few clicks or a quick shortcut. Technology has brought a bit of that into our lives too. You can delete your history in a browser. You can delete your chats with a person. You can delete a person’s phone number. You can even effectively delete a person from your life. Just a process of blocking and deleting of contacts, pictures and messages and you’re done. Simple right?

Unfortunately, no.

See, you can delete a person’s digital fingerprint from your life. But not their essence. You can’t delete your history. You can’t delete the way they’ve made you feel, positively or negatively. You can’t delete the mental print of they things they said to you. You can’t delete their memories. All of that can only fade with time.

You.

I hope you never read this. And if you do, I hope it’s at a time we can both laugh about it. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve forgiven you. I’m happy. I decided a while ago that you can’t (either intentionally or not) control me. My happiness does not depend on you. It depends on me. I’m not saying you’re the villain here. I’ve considered the possibility that maybe your actions are my fault too. But if I didn’t tell myself these things I never would’ve cut loose from the grasp your actions had on my emotions. I did that. I got the shorter straw but I chose to be happy.

So why do you still linger in my head? Give me total freedom. What do I have to do to get rid of you?

Those are the questions I’m currently asking. Leave me be. Let my happiness continue. Stop looking for an opportunity to pick at a wound that’s almost healed.

And just like that, I realise I’m not talking to you, but an instance of you that refuses to leave. You’re just residue of the real you. The real you is off somewhere, most likely smiling, most likely happy. I’ve made my peace with the real you. The real you is not my enemy. The real you has no power over me. You will not. You may not get out of my head but mark my words;

I would learn to ignore you.

I would learn to push you away.

Your desperate grips would not save you

And ultimately, you will fade.

God did not create a delete button, but he created time. Time is your worst enemy. Have fun anticipating your impending oblivion because the only worth you have is the one I let you have. You might be on the top of the world now, but eventually, you won’t feel so good.