Progress

The irony of being a perfectionist is how you notice the little things but also don’t notice the little things.

Let me explain what I mean. As a perfectionist (if you’re one), you notice even the most minute details in things you’re a part of or things you’re working on. You feel uncomfortable with the little things that other people can overlook, but you can’t (that is, unless you’re lazy and your laziness is heavier than your apparent OCD). But on the other hand, you have where you want to be. A goal, a state of being, or a position you want to reach. All you can see are the two extremes--where you are, and where you want to be. You forget that no one teleports from one state of being to another. You forget that steps must be taken towards it. You feel disappointed in yourself and forget that at each point in time, you’re a tiny step closer to where you want to be. You forget to appreciate the process and beat yourself up when you’re not seeing your intended results.

I happen to be a perfectionist and I also recently realized how lazy I really am. It was an eye opener, really. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Why it’s June and I haven’t achieved most of my goals. Why I’m caught in this infinite loop of making plans(which I’m very good at) and failing at achieving them. Why time flies me by and I’m trapped in this bubble of watching my life go by.

Laziness is like a disease. You don’t know it’s there until you see the side effects. I think and wonder about all the hard working people I know and admire. Is it possible that they never feel lazy? Is laziness a feeling? Or is it a decision? No matter how hardworking you are, I feel there would be days when you don’t feel like getting out of that bed in the morning (especially when you don’t have to) and the decisions you make in such situations when no one is forcing you to work and you have no deadlines is how you know if you’re lazy or not.

No one is superhuman. Some people just know how to put in the hard work.

How often do you procrastinate? How often do you deprive yourself of improvement because it’s not convenient? How often do you take the easier route when making choices? How appealing is scrolling through nothing on your phone compared to putting it down and actually doing something with your life?

I used to wish I had OCD. At least that way I’d be compelled to get some things done whether I liked it or not. But now in retrospect, that wish is a lazy wish too. I guess you can call it recursive. Laziness just about kills whatever resolve you have to push harder and go the extra mile.

Another thing that kills resolve is the inability to see progress. I’m not good at that. I like to see the big steps, losing the natural instinct we all had as children to fall many times till we gained the ability to walk. The fact of the matter is that with each fall, experience is built and progress is made. It’s a good thing babies are not conscious enough to look for progress. If that were the case, then a lot of us would still be crawling. Not seeing progress gives me an excuse to feed my laziness. What’s the point of all this hard work? It’s not heading anywhere, is it? In a bid to grow up, we don’t grow at all.

I stopped caring about motivational speakers at a point in my life. They all say the same thing, but in different ways. You get fired up and ready to take on anything and then two weeks later you’re back to normal. It’s like a high that lasts a few days. I wish I had the resolve those guys seem to have. The unending resilience to get up each morning and chase after what you want. Never giving up till you get what you want. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? But in my pondering, it feels too good for be true. Don’t you think so too? That these guys have a bullet proof resolve made of steel. Challenges ricochet off their chests like nothing happened. I think we listen way too much to abridged stories. Give us the gory details. That day absolutely nothing went your way and you lost your cool. Those days where absolutely nothing went as planned and you couldn’t check one thing off you Todo list. A more realistic story is something more of the lyrics in Shawn Mendes' song titled In my Blood.

Sometimes I feel like giving up but I just can’t . . .

It goes to show that the protagonist of the story feels the lack of resolve but something else keeps him on track, not because he can carry himself on to continue. Then he goes along to say . . .

It isn’t in my blood.

And then I can’t relate to it again. (I still love the song, though). Do any of these people feel as pathetic as I do sometimes? Oh yeah. There’s this guy called NF. I’ve been following his music for about three or so years(yes, before you guys jumped on the Let Me Down wagon, I’ve been listening to this guy). In his recent song as of this time of writing titled WHY he says,

I don’t trust the thoughts that come inside my head. I don’t trust this thing that beats inside my chest. Who I am and who I want to be cannot connect. Why?

Finally. Someone who has a mirror image of my mind. Do you see why I listen to this guy? At one point I thought that maybe it was getting old. This whole moody music. But the best music are the ones you can relate to. Now, this doesn’t strike me as a guy who struggles with laziness but it does strike me as someone in a constant battle between his current reality and his ideal one. And that’s me. Enough of your billionaire superheroes in suits with their grass to grace stories and flawless resolve to get from A to B. How about people with dreams who struggle to even find the motivation to pursue them in the first place?

Another notion I have an issue with is the saying that once you find your passion, you’d have this unending zeal and drive to just keep doing it. Well, maybe I haven’t found what you guys have found because the only thing I love doing that I can do for hours without end and without needing any motivation is watching movies. Oh, and listening to music as well. Let’s not forget that. That’s not to say I don’t have things I love doing that make me seem productive. I love creating things. That’s essentially me. That’s why I write. I used to draw. I design. Seemingly creating something out of nothing can be fulfilling sometimes. But that resolve people paint and that drive that keeps you going, I don’t have it.

Maybe I’m just lazy. Maybe it’s that and something else. Either way, I’ve come to the conclusion that the lazy feelings never go away. You just get better at ignoring them. And that is something I’m going to work on. The first step in getting better is realising that you need to get better in the first place. There would be days I would feel the high and win. There would be regular days where it’s nothing but personal decisions to do something with my life over not doing anything productive. But there would also be the days I would fail but I pray I’ll always come back to the point where I keep deciding to try my luck with trying again.

Don’t ignore the minute experiences.