Have I Really Forgiven You?
The collective advice was that it would take time. Although some said I was strong for not cutting you out of my life completely. No. Erasing would’ve been a more appropriate term.
Time has passed and I can say you don’t haunt me anymore. I can practically say I’ve moved on with my life. You became a lesson and not a source of regret or anger. You’ve become less of a disturbance in my head. Also, memories don’t piss me off anymore. Your presence doesn’t change my mood, even though I’d hardly be the first to start a conversation. When we do talk, though, I sometimes reply well enough to at least keep the conversation going for a bit. I even give you nuggets of what’s going on in my life sometimes, even though you used to know the whole picture. Sometimes it’s just so you won’t feel bad.
I just might be too nice for my own good.
Seriously. Even when I was still pissed off, I pulled my punches on the weight of my words and calculated every step to protect you from my reactions. Who does that, really?
I’m not a Clark Kent-type boy scout. I’m not all goody two shoes. You don’t want to be in my head sometimes. But somehow there’s something that keeps me from those impulses and harsh thoughts. You could call it a filter. So maybe this still qualifies me as a nice guy? For the mere fact that I let the filter exist and actually care when something breaches that wall?
Either way, for the most part, I kept my space, got you out of my face so I could forgive you properly. You sort of made it easier when you got the message anyway. Now, I feel I have. But there’s this small thing in my head (emphasis on small) that keeps digging things up and trying to suggest feelings of anger towards you and while I don’t make myself susceptible to these suggestions, they’re not difficult to come by.
Because the fact of the matter is while I want to trust you, I just can’t.
I feel you’re sorry. I feel you didn’t really intend to do what you did. I feel you didn’t completely intend to use me. Or at least that’s what I told myself. It made forgiving you much easier. At this point, I don’t think I’d even care if it were deliberate or not because I’m still skeptical anyway.
Can we really get back to the way we were? Would these feelings of doubt ever go? A man can learn to handle fire even after he gets burned but he may never lose his sense of caution. Maybe that’s an unrelated metaphor. Maybe it isn’t. Look, I don’t know. Fact of the matter is, even if all cards are on the table and I can see without a shadow of a doubt that you’re trustworthy, I’m still going to need time to figure out how to trust you. While a part of me feels I’m thinking too far, I don’t actually trust easily and I haven’t had that many chances to actually give second chances on that front.
I’m learning not to stress, though. People who need to be in your life would be there. While maintaining good friendships is actually more work than people realise, it’s not necessarily as stressful as maintaining unnecessary ones.
So let’s see how things go.
